Am I a Woman?
I wish I had the courage to start my transition earlier, pornography twisted my view of what I am and what I thought I wanted to be. It left me living as someone who I had no desire to be, but didn’t know wasn’t myself.
I’m not who I was in childhood, I can’t remember any of it cause that just isn’t who I was. I can’t Identify with those memories because they are not mine.
The Ways I Feel are not new these emotions are ages old. The overwhelming Presence within my mind will not let me rest or think of anything else. Am I a Woman? Am I just nonbinary? Or am I just telling myself that because it’s easier than coming to terms with how I really feel? The thoughts I have are seeded, deep within the multi-million player ping-pong match that is my own head. Deep Down it plagues my every thought, even if I don’t know it.
I always knew what I wanted but was afraid of what my family would think of me. How could I live as someone different from who they had raised to expect. Watching those videos I knew that’s who I was, but the context it was presented in made it an unthinkable, impossible fantasy. Nothing more than thoughts of what it would have been like if I was just born as a girl.
What would my name be?
How would the world perceive me differently?
Why can’t I think of things the way I want to?
Why am I the way that I am? Do I really want that to change?
Am I truly happy with who I am?
This work is an exploration of my trans experience since coming out earlier this year. It looks at who I have become and how I see the world differently as a result. My experiences as a child and the way I was raised conflict with who I am today. My parents raised me as a boy, as a person I cannot identify with. Because of this upbringing, I do not remember much of my childhood. Those memories I still have I cannot relate to, that was just a different person. I have been trying to create a childhood I did not have, fill my brain with experiences I will never live. Much of this can only be imagined, and what can be made, I have to borrow from the memories and experiences of the women around me. This journy has been extremely tumultuous but has been equally joyous. I have finally been able to find comfort in my body and who I am.